• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-6591
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 2
• Page Number:
• Date: 8 13 1913
• Tags:
• joke

SAID TO BE FUNNY Let us be thankful for occasional visits from the man who sees the funny side of things. Holdup Man to Professor—‘‘Hands up? If you move, you're a dead man." Professor—‘‘You are wrong, my dear sir. If I move it will show I am alive. You should be more careful in the use of your words." Conductor, (pointing sternly to small boy)—‘‘Madam that boy is more than twelve years old, why he wears long pants. He can't ride on this ticket." Lady--‘‘Can't ride on that ticket because he wears long pants? Oh well, let him ride on my ticket, and I will use his." Pat was in a museum looking at a copy of the "Winged Victory." "And what may ye call that?' he asked an attendant. "That is a statue of Victory, sir," was the answer. Pat surveyed the headless and armless statue with renewed interest. "Victory, is it?"' he said. "Then, begor, I'd like to see the other fellow." An American, visiting Ireland, fell into conversation with a native, who was feeding his hens. "I guess Pat, you haven't as good hens here as in the States ?" "Perhaps not,'' said Pat. "I'll tell you,' said the Yankee, "about a hen my mother had. She went out one day and ate a feed of corn, and returned and laid 12 eggs. She went out the next day and ate a feed of corn, and laid twelve more eggs. She went out the third day and returned and laid 12 more eggs. The fourth day she hatched 72 chicks out of 36 eggs. Now that is the kind of hens we have in the States." "Well," said Pat, "I'll tell you about a half-blind hen my mother had. She ate a feed of sawdust, thinking it was oatmeal. She went in her nest and laid a plank 12 feet long. She ate more sawdust the next day, and again laid a plank 12 feet long. Again, on the third day, she ate more sawdust, and laid another 12 foot plank. She sat on the three planks and hatched three kitchen chairs, as of a table and a mahogany chest ‘of drawers. That's the kind of hens we have in Ireland."