• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-6591
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 2
• Page Number:
• Date: 9 24 1913
• Tags:
• advice
• proverb
• joke
• prison
• reading

The young lady now studying in Cornell University to fit herself to earn a living, should be granted a diploma, and a professorship at once, for when she announces that her present living expenses do not exceed 50 cents per week, she seems to have gleamed all there is to learn on the subject. A man seldom discovers the microbe in kisses until about a year after marriage. That frequent bathing promotes efficiency is recognized by a large local concern which has not only provided splendid facilities for its employees in this respect, but actually pays them a small sum of money, each time they take advantage of the privilege. It is a fortunate wife who can deal with her husband honestly instead of diplomatically. The annual election campaigns are now on, and once again the poor downtrodden workingman, and the homeless tramp, are made to understand the value of being free American citizens,—for electioneering purposes, at least. We can accomplish what we believe we can accomplish. Desperate efforts are being made to cut down the high cost of living. Peanuts from Wales, fresh creamery butter from Siberia, and beef from Argentina are on sale in New York. Live each day so as to shake hands with yourself every night. A parrot and his mistress carried on a conversation by way of the telephone at a distance of a thousand miles. The bird recognized the lady's voice at once, and gave utterance to a series of shrill ha ha's interspersed with endearing terms it had been taught to speak. That the proper care of the teeth is absolutely necessary for the preservation of good health, is recognized by the authorities of the Atlanta, Ga. penitentiary, who furnish toothbrushes and powder to the inmates, as a part of the regular supplies. Some folks have more temptations than others because they are always hunting for them. A glance over the news columns of any paper must convince everyone that notwithstanding the generally crowded condition of nearly all penal institutions, there certainly must be a far greater number of dangerous criminals at large than there are behind the bars. For some reason the Master criminal is seldom within the toils, and on the few occasions when he does face a magistrate, an astute lawyer usually finds a way for him to evade the punishment of his crime. By far the greater majority of the men in prison today are those who were too poor to enlist the services of a skillful attorney. When your wife and your affinity are the same person, society has no mortgage on your soul. It is the opinion of the writer, that the young man who will leave this place without first reading "John Halifax, Gentleman," is missing an opportunity which for want of time, may never again be presented. No one can read this interesting work of Miss Mulock, without being the better for it. Some howl before they are hurt, others refuse to groan even afterwards. The Mayor of Concord N. H. called on Harry Thaw in state, and in the name of the people, welcomed him to the city. No good sensible working Bee listens to the advice of a Bed-Bug on the subject of Business.