• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 2 2 1916
• Tags:
• joke

IN LIGHTER VEIN "Do you ever wake up your wife getting in late nights?" "Never." "How the deuce do you manage it?" "She is never asleep."*"So," said Rob, "your engagement to Maud is broken off, is it? Why I thought she just doted on you," "So she did," answered Tom, father proved to be an antidote." *Wife (angrily:) Just look at the time! This morning you got home at 2 o'clock, and here it is again after midnight. Husband: Well, you know, m'dear, it's against my rule to come home twice the same day. *Pretty Cashier: You might give me a holiday to recruit my health. My beauty is beginning to fade. Manager: What makes you think so? Pretty Cashier: The men are beginning to count their change. *Old Lady (having run upon a street fight;) Dear, dear! Can you tell me what's going on up there, my man? Noncombatant: Ho, nuffink, mum, only the bloke wot works the steam roller wants us coves to call 'im a chauffeur.*"Do you believe that there is really something which can invariably tell when a man is us lying?" "I know it." "Ah, perhaps you have seen one of the instruments." "Seen one? I married one." *"John" demanded the wile of her intoxicated spouse, "how did you get that gash on your forehead?" "Guess I must 'a' bit myself." "Bit yourself!" scornfully. "How could you bite yourself way up there?" "Guess I must 'a' stood on a chair."*Mrs. Browning had a new servant girl named Annie. "Annie," said the mistress, "did you put the clothes in soak?" "Oi did not," answered Annie; "did you want me to, Mum?" "Why, certainly," was the reply. "Vety well, Mum," said Annie. About two hours later Annie presented her-self to her mistress. "Oi hev put thim clothes in soak, Mum,' she said, ‘but the pawnbroker wud give me only chew dollars on the whole outfit. Here be th' money, Mum, an' its sorry Oi am thot ye bees so harrud up."