• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 2 16 1916
• Tags:
• joke

IN LIGHTER VEIN "Jigg's wife speaks ten languages." "I move we adopt resolutions of sympathy and send them to Jiggs." ***"Tom out of work again? Why, I thought he had a steady job?" "Oh, the job was steady; Tom wasn't." ***"I can tell you," said the accurate man, "how much water goes over Niagara Falls to a quart." "How much?" asked his skeptical friend."Two pints." ***"You are very beautiful," said a young man to his sweetheart. "Ah well," she answered, "beauty, you know is only skin deep." "Well," he replied, "that's deep enough for me. I'm no cannibal." ***Mexico has not been forgotten by the Baltimore American even in the turmoil of European conflict. "So Carranza at last has taken up his residence in Mexico." "Yes, and don't you forget he's got a Villa outside, too." ***A retail dealer in leather goods, doing business in Baltimore, wrote to a firm in Southern Massachusetts ordering a big lot of merchandise. The firm wired him: "Can not ship your order until the last consignment is paid for." "Unable to wait so long," telegraphed the leather merchant. "Cancel the order."***"Yes," said the man who had been traveling in the wild West, "I saw three trains held up one night." "Heavens!" exclaimed the innocent bystander. "Was any one hurt?" "No," said the traveler, as he reached for his hat. "They were held up by woman in a ballroom." ***The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail, tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor. "How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked. "Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician. "Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got to catch that mule."