• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 2 23 1916
• Tags:
• joke

IN LIGHTER VEIN "Bobby," said the lady in the street car, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?""Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."***"You say you are engaged in some original research. Upon what subject?""I'm trying to discover why the ink wont flow from my fountain pen unless I place it in an upright position in the pocket of a light fancy vest."***"I can remember when we could get any idea of how an election was going by taking a straw vote.""We never depend on straw votes out our way. The only chance of learning which way the election was going was to discover which side had the most two-dollar bills."***"As a matter of fact," said the lawyer for the defendant, trying to be sarcastic, "you were scared half to death, and don't know whether it was a motor car or something resembling a motor car that hit you.""It resembled one all right," the plaintiff made an answer. "I was forcibly struck by the resemblance."***"What does this sentence mean," asked the teacher: "'Man proposes, but God disposes'?"A small boy in the back of the room waved his hand frantically. "Well, Thomas," said the teacher, "what does it mean?""It means," answered Thomas with conscious pride, "that a man might ask a woman to marry him, but only the Lord knows whether she will or not."***A minister, meeting a neighbor's boy who had just came out of a fight with a fearful black eye, put his hand on the boy's head and said:"My boy, I pray you may never fight again and that you may never receive another black eye,""That's all right," said the boy. "You go home and pray over your own kid. I gave him two of ‘em."***Messers. Doolan and Rafferty were examining a fine public building with much interest. "Doolan," said Rafferty, pointing to an inscription cut in a huge stone. "ghwat does thim litters, ‘M-D-C-C-C-X-C-V-I-I,' mane?""Thot," replied Mr. Doolan, "manes eighteen hundred an' noinety-sivin""Doolan," said Mr. Rafferty, after a thoughtful pause, "don't yez t'ink they're overdoin' this shbellin' reform a bit?"