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In Lighter Vein

  • Author: Unknown
  • Editor: B-7413
  • Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
  • Page Number:
  • Date: 3 15 1916
  • Tags:
  • joke

IN A LIGHTER VEIN A Hard Tale.—Fond Mother— "Ay, dear lad, there's not a day passes but what I think of you in that awful sub'arine, with only the peroscup to breathe through." "When I marry," said the girl, "I am not going to marry a man who drinks, smokes, plays cards, or who belongs to a club. Still, I want him to have a good time." "Where?" he asked. "What is it, do you suppose, that keeps the moon in place and prevents it from falling?" asked Araminta. "I think it must be the beams," replied Charlie, and then he fled. "Father, I am not sure whether I shall be a specialist for the ears or the teeth," said a starting son. "Choose the teeth, my boy; everybody has thirty-two of them, but only two ears." Member of the touring company—"My good lady, the last place I stayed at the landlady wept when I left." Landlady—"Oh, did she? Well, I ain't going to. I wants my money in advance." Mr. Green: Now I'm going to tell you something, Ethel. Do you know that last night, at your party, your sister promised to marry me? I hope you'll forgive me for taking her away. Little Ethel: Forgive you, Mr. Green? Of course I will. Why that's what the party was for. Pat had gone to Ireland and was telling New York. "Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the parish priest. "Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon pass." Fred had been permitted to visit a boy friend on the condition that he return home not later than five o'clock. He arrived at seven, and insisted that he had loitered. "Do you mean," demanded the mother, "that it took you two hours to walk a quarter of a mile?" "Yes, mother: Charlie gave me a mud turtle and I was afraid to carry it, so I led it home." Katherine and Margaret found themselves seated next to each other at a dinner-party and immediately became confidential. "Molly told me that you told her that secret I told you not to tell her," whispered Margaret. "Oh, isn't she a mean thing!" gasped Katherine. "Why I told her not to tell you!" "Well," returned Margaret, "I told her I wouldn't tell you she told me—so don't tell her I did.