• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 3 29 1916
• Tags:
• joke

IN LIGHTER VEIN Many a man who marries money is never seen in public with it. The shoemaker is apt to be his own footman. Also his own butler and valet. If you want to flatter a girl, tease her about the hearts she has broken. There are a lot of busy bees in the world who don't know how to gather honey without stinging people When a fellow tells a girl he loves her for all he is worth, she naturally wants to know how much he is worth. Father (reprovingly)—"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?" Johnny—"Yes, sir; they lie still." Waiter—"Yes, sir; omelettes has gone up on account of the war." Diner—"Great Scott! Are they eggs at each other now?" James (who is broke)—"I have one faithful friend left." Hulks (also broke)—"Who is it?" James—"My pipe. I can still draw on that." The Prisoner—"There goes my hat. Shall I run after it?" Policeman Casey —"Phwit? Run away and never come back aggin? You stand here I'll run after your hat." He was a lover of music, who had just been to hear Puccini's "Madam. Butterfly," he was expatiating upon its beauties to an unresponsive friend whom he observed to yawn. The music lover was hurt. "Look here, John," he protested, "don't you think that music is of some practical benefit in life?" "Oh, yes," said the unresponsive one; "why, judging from the portraits | have seen of eminent throwing and musicians, especially pianists, I should say that music is great to keep the hair from falling out." In a sleeping-car one night, after (very body had turned in and the lights were low, a_ loud voice called from an upper berth: "Porter, cot a corkscrew?" The porter came hurring down the aisle. "Boss," he said, in a scandalized tone, don't allow no drinking in the berths. It's against the rules." "Oh, it ain't that, Porter." the voice answered; "I just want to dig out a pillow that's sort of worked its way into my ear."