• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 4 5 1916
• Tags:
• joke

IN LIGHTER VEIN Ambition is what prompts a man to do the things he can't instead of those he can. Many a man never succeeds because he is afraid of doing more than his share. When a girl turns a fellow down it is a bitter disappointment to her pride if he doesn't take to drink. The man who tells us that figures never lie loses sight of the fact that sometimes they won't stand, either. Sillicus—"Yes, he told her he would love her always." Cynicus—"And I suppose they were both young enough to believe it." —"A man is soon forgotten after he is dead, " quoted the Wise Guy. "Yes, unless you happen to have married his widow," added the Simple Mug. —Blobbs—"There's an expression, ‘as mad as a March hare.' Now, what makes a March hare mad?" Slobbs—"I give it up, unless it is the February groundhog." — "It's easy enough to make money," said the business man. "Yes the trouble is to pass it without getting caught," replied the counterfeiter. "Willie," said the teacher, "give me three proofs that the world is actually round." "Yes'm," said Willie cheerfully; "the book says so, you say so and Ma says so." First Boy—"What is this big-brother movement ?" Second Boy—"Well, as I understand it, never lick any boy who has a big brother." Mrs. Neighbors—"What was that awful racket I heard in your flat this morning?" Mrs. Nextdoor—"Oh that was my husband. He fell over a rocking chair and broke one of the commandments." Two doctors met one day, and one said to the other: "I hear you operated on Smith yesterday What did you do that for?" "Why, for a thousand dollars." "Yes, I know," replied the other; what did you operate for?" "Why"—with some impatience—"for a thousand dollars." "Yes, yes, I know; but what I mean is, what did Smith have?" "Why, I've told you twice already—a_ thousand dollars."