Established 2023

Borrowed Mirth

  • Author: Unknown
  • Editor: B-7413
  • Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
  • Page Number:
  • Date: 4 26 1916
  • Tags:
  • joke

BORROWED MIRTH "How is the cooking in that restaurant?" Gentleman with toothpick, "Fine" "And what did you have may I ask?" Gentleman with toothpick. "A dozen raw oysters, some ice cream and a glass of milk." A Scotch minister in need of funds thus conveyed his intentions to his congregation: "Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we will have to get money honestly we will have to see what bazaar can do for us." Mr. Gotham—I see the smallest cows in the world are found in the Samoan Islands. The average weight does not exceed 150 pounds. They are about the size of merino sheep. Mrs. Gotham—Do you suppose, dear that is where they get the condensed milk? "I wonder why a sponge is full of holes?" queried small Margaret. "Because," answered her five-year-old brother with an air of superior knowledge, "if it wasn't for the holes people wouldn't know it was a sponge, would they, stupid?" "Listen to this, Maria," said Mr. Stubbs, as he unfolded his scientific paper. This article states that in some of the old Roman prisons that have been unearthed they found the petrified remains of the prisoners. "Gracious, John," exclaimed Mrs. Stubbs, with a smile, "that's what they call hardeded criminals, I expect." Miss Brown told me that you paid her such a charming compliment the other evening," said Mrs. Coddington to her husband, "something about her being pretty. The poor girl was so pleased. I don't see how you men can be so untruthful." ‘I should think you'd know by this time that I'm never untruthful," said Mr. Coddington reproachfully "I said she was just as pretty as she could be, and so she was." Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from the huckster's wagon, and the farmer told the boy to take a handful of cherries, but, according to the Ladies' Home Journal. The child shook is head. "What's the matter? Don't you like them?" asked the huckster. "Yes," replied Johnny. "Then go ahead an' take some." Johnny hesitated, whereupon the farmer put a generous handful in the boy's cap. After the farmer had driven on the mother asked; "Why didn't you take the cherries when he told you to?" Johnny winked as he said: "Cause his hand was bigger'n mine."