• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 5 3 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH Tom; When you proposed to her I suppose she said, "This is so sudden?" Dick: No; she was honest, and said, suspense has been terrible." "Well, Johnny. how did you like school?" "I didn't like it a bit. The teacher put me on a chair and told me to sit there for the present. And I sat and sat there and she never gave me the present." "My bride is disappointed about housekeeping" "What's the trouble?" "She can't get a maid who will curtsey like they do in the musical comedies she goes to see." "The lunchroom proprietor advertised ham and eggs at war prices." "I don't see what war has to do with the price of ham and eggs." "It has a great deal in this case. He's at war with a rival restaurant across the street." A small boy was discussing the differences in members of the vegetable world. "How did people first know an apple tree from a pear tree?" he asked. "By the bark?" "No," replied his mother, gravely, "by the bite." "Those twin boys of yours are so much alike that I don't see how you can tell them apart." "That's easy enough. When they're on their good behavior they answere to their own names and when they've been in mischief each one answers to the name of the other." Soph—Your girl is a wonderful dancer but for two things." Junior (elated at compliment paid his girl)— Yes, I think so, too, but what are the two things? Soph (beating a hasty retreat)—Her feet. "What zone is this we live in? You may answer James," said the teacher. "Temperate." "Now, what is meant by a ‘temperate zone?" "It's a place where it's freezin' cold in winter and red-hot in summer." No doubt the doctor spoke rashly. An inquisitive niece, seeing him return from the funeral of a wealthy patient, innocently inquired; "Uncle Tom, do you attend the funerals of all your patients who die?" "Good heavens, no," said the doctor. "Do you suppose I have nothing to do but go to funerals?"