• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 5 10 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH Jim—Both those fellows are after that rich heiress. John—Giving her a race for her money, eh?Jaffery—How do you suppose that dear old man remembered exactly how much he paid for his gold tooth, which he bought 40 years ago? Agnes—Why, I s'pose he carried it in his head. There recently entered a Washington shop a dusky person who announced that he wished to purchase a razor. "Safety?" asked the clerk. "No, suh," was the decided response. I desires it fo' social usage." "I bet my father has killed more people than your father has," said the boy in the sailor suit. ‘My father is captain of a battleship." "That's nuthin'," retorted the boy in the red sweater. "My father's chauffeur of a United States mail truck." "My friends," exclaimed the eloquent minister, "were the average man to turn and look himself squarely in the eyes and ask himself what he really needed most, what would be the first reply suggested to his mind?" "A rubber neck!" shouted the precocious urchin in the rear of the room. "Please, ma'am," said the small boy on the doorstep, "ma says kin she borrow a can o' mustard." "Certainly:" replied the housewife. "Is mamma going to make salad?" "No, ma'am," declared the veracious child, "but pa said she gave him a pain in the neck an' she wants ter sock a plaster on him.""Please, Mrs. Shea," said the little girl from the house next door, "mother says would you be kind enough to come over and take care of baby for a while?" "Why, certainly," your mother ill?" "No'm, but she's writing a paper on ‘The ~ Proper Care of Infants' and she's afraid she won't be able to get it done in time to read it before the mothers' Club tomorrow afternoon."They were standing at the front gate. "Won't you come into the parlor and sit a little while, Georgie, dear?" "No-o, I think not," replied George hesitatingly. "I wish you would," the girl went on; "it's awful lonesome. Mother has gone out and _ father is upstairs groaning with rheumatism in the legs." "Both legs?" asked Georgie. "Yes, both legs." "Then I'll come in."