• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 5 31 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH "I want to sweep the cobwebs from my brain." "Why not use a vacuum sweeper?" "I've got a new job. I'm a barber at a soda fountain." "A barber at a soda fountain?""Yes; I shave the ice." "Our romance began in a most romantic way. My wife saved me from drowning. She's a magnificent swimmer, you know." "I notice you don't go out very far now." "No. I don't know if she would save me again." "My poor woman," said the settlement worker, "what can I do to relieve your distress?" "Can you sing, ma'am?" "Why—er—a little.""I wish you'd sing some of the new ragtime songs, ma'am. Me and my husband ain't been to a cabaret in two years. Judge—Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say for yourself? Prisoner—Yes, your honor, I admit I'm a vagabond and a thief, but you ought to be very thankful I'm here and let me off lightly. Judge— How do you make that out? Prisoner—Well, suppose we went on a strike and all turned honest, what would your honor bo for a living? Judge—(severely)—Um—five years imprisonment. Mr Babcock had just been telling his wife of an old friend. "And he said he knew me when I was a little girl?" interrogated the wife. "No" said Babcock, "he didn't say anything of the sort. "But you just said he did,' said Mrs. Babcock. "No," said the man, "I didn't." "Why Charles!" exclaimed the wife. "What did he say then?" "I said," replied the brute, "that he said he knew you when he was a little boy." What the case was about no one seemed to know exactly. The lawyers themselves were pretty well mixed up. When an important witness entered the box and was presently asked to tell the court the total of his gross income. He refused; the counsel appealed to the Judge. "You must answere the question," Judge sternly. The witness figited about and then burst out with; "But—but your Honor, I have no gross income. I'm a fisherman and it's all net."