• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 6 7 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH The amateur photographer can't be arrested for taking things that don't belong to him.Pessimist—The cost of living is terrible. Optimist—But its worth the price. "The trouble about marrying money," says the Cynical Bachelor, "is that a fellow has to take a wife along with it." "Didn't you ever contemplate matrimony?" "Yes, my boy," owned up the old bachelor, "but always from a safe distance."The Customer— Why don't you keep bunion plasters? The Druggist—I'm afraid I'd be pinched for harboring footpads. Curate—I am glad to see you come so regularly to our evening services, Mrs. Brown. "Yus. Yer see, me usband 'ates me goin' hout of a hevening, so I does it to spite 'im."Teacher: Now, Johnny, can you tell me what became of Noah and the ark? Johnny: The baby sucked all the paint off'n Noah, and Pa stepped on the ark and mashed it. Tommy saw a small tug towing a large ship, and heard the tug whistle loudly. "Oh, Papa," he cried, greatly excited. "See! The big boat's got the little one by the tail and it's squealing " Patient—Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up—something to put me in fighting trim. Did you put anything like that in this prescription? Doctor—No. You will find that in the bill. Visiting Clergyman—Have patience. Remember it took Milton 15 days to complete one page. Convict 653—Only 15 days? Why, I've been six years on one sentence, and it ajnt half finished yet. Jagreen—I saw you talking to Borrows on the street this morning. Billbrown—Yes. Jagreen—Did he strike you for a loan? Billbrown—Not exactly. He struck at me, but never touched me. Little Elmer —Papa, you are going to take me to the circus, aren't you? Papa—Yes, if you are a good boy. Little Elmer—Well, I'll try awfully hard to be good, papa; 'cause if you can't take me you won't have any excuse for going yourself, and I don't wan't to disappoint you.