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Borrowed Mirth

  • Author: Unknown
  • Editor: B-7413
  • Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
  • Page Number:
  • Date: 6 14 1916
  • Tags:
  • joke

BORROWED MIRTH Many a man is such a kicker that every time he opens his mouth he puts his foot in it. "Experience is de best teacher." said Uncle Eben, "but gittin, arrested ain' no way to study law. Cop—Why don't you go home? Outlate—Firsht my wife went to the movies and now my house has gone too. "Pa, what is scientific salesmanship?" "Selling a dress suit to a man who went into the store to buy a celluloid collar." Tommy—I want another box of those pills, like what I got for mother yesterday. Druggist—Did your mother say they were good? Tommy—No, but they just fit my air-gun. Katherine—As long as you say you understand the language of the flowers, what does this bunch of American Beauty roses say? Kidder—That a fool and his money are soon parted. "Honesty, my son," said the millionaire, is the best policy." "Well, perhaps it is dad, rejoined the the youthful philosopher "but it strikes me that you have done pretty well nevertheless." Billy—"I see Maude has a new decollete gown." Milly—"Yes; that girl puts everything she has on her back." Billy—"Well, she isn't getting stoop shouldered, at that." "What are your reasons for wanting a divorce madam?" inquired the judge. "Failure to support." "But you live in apparent luxury." "He failed to support me for a nomination that I wanted." "Eureka!" exclaimed Hiram Hoskins who, with a lighted candle in his hand, was hunting for a leak in the gas pipe. A moment later Mrs. Hoskins sadly said: "That's just our luck. Now we'll have to pay out more money to get the roof fixed." When arguing the respective merits of mothers, Benny never allowed his mother to be surpassed. This attitude on Benny's part delighted Mother, aged thirty-six, until one day he ran in flushed of face and belligerent of eye. "Mother," he shouted, "that guy, Bob, said his mother was forty-three years old and I couldn't stand for that, so I said you were forty-five if you were a day!"