• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 6 28 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH Knicker—Whom does the baby look like? Bocker—He is neutral. "While the auto thief was speeding away, the stolen car turned turtle and pinned him to the ground." "Caught with the goods on him, eh?" Cawker—I've had another addition to my family since I saw you last. Cumso—You don't say! Cawker—Son-in-law. Stella—In case of war, how many of your relatives would go? Bella—Well, there are 17 men to whom I have promised to be a sister. Mistress—Dinah, I haven't seen your husband about for some time—is he ill? Dinah—No, indeedy, missus, 'taint dat, he's jes simply too proud to work. "I want a pair of pants for my sick husband," said the woman. "What size?" asked the clerk. "I don't know, but I think he wears a 144% collar." Boy or girl? "How useless girls are today. I don't believe they know what needles are for." "How absurd you are, grandma," protested the girl. "Of course, I know what needles — are for. They're to make the graphophone play." "There must have been a terrific struggle,' said the detective. "I see finger prints on every wall and door." "Struggle, nothing," said the head of the house. "We have four children and the only place you won't find finger prints is on the ceilings. Peggy was two years younger than Bessie. As is the way with younger sisters, Bessie's outgrown clothes became Peggy's humiliating heritage. One day Bessie made an exciting discovery. "My goodness," she said. "I've got a loose tooth. I think I'll pull it out." "Oh, don't,' Peggy implored. "Mother will make me wear it." The taxi whirled along, nearly knocking over a public building. Then it swerved again as it passed within the ace of a policeman's foot. The occupant threw her head out of the window and cried out: "Be careful driver, this is the first time I have ever ridden in a taxi." "All right, madam," replied the driver, "this is the first time I have ever driven one."