• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 7 5 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH "How do you like your new home?" a friend asked a man who had recently moved into the village. "Pretty well." "Have you called on your neighbors yet?" "No," the newcomer admitted, "I haven't. But I'm going to if any more of my wood is missing."A well-known brewer and his friend were dining recently in a grillroom. Suddenly a very dapper-looking man, with a suspiciously red nose, brushed by their table. "A very prominent member of the Early Closing Society," announced the brewer. The friend showed a very keen interest. "What is his official capacity?" he asked. "About three gallons, I think," said the brewer. "Us fellers at Crimsom Gulch decided," remarked Broncho Bob, "as how we're fur peace. The general sentiment was that we'd be more peaceful if we'd disarm." "But you are carrying a gun." "Yes. Everybody is waiting' fur everybody else to disarm first. I'm kind o' afraid this reluctance an' suspicion is goin' to start some hard feelin's."A New York lawyer tells of a man who had been convicted of stealing by a certain "Down -East Judge, well known for his tender-heartedness. "Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment?" asked the Judge, not unkindly. "Never!" exclaimed the prisoner, suddenly bursting into tears. "Well, well, don't cry, my man," said His Honor, consolingly, "you're going to be now." She was a very recent bride and endeavoring to keep house in the approved hygienic manner. Entering a strange bakery one day, she saw a huge cat put his paws on the low show window and vault lightly among the cakes "Oh, look!' she exclaimed to the stout © lady in charge. "Your cat!" "Dat is all right," soothingly replied the wide lady, with a wider smile "Dat is Henry. He will not eat anything—he chust schniffs 'em." A politician who was seeking the votes of a certain community in Ohio to the end that he might be sent to Congress thought it worth while to make mention of his humble origin and early struggles. "I got a start in life by serving in a grocery store at $3 a week, and yet I have managed to save,' he announced. Whereupon a voice from the audience queried: "Was that before the invention of cash registers?"