• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 7 19 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

Judge—Were you arrested before? ‘ Burglar Bill—Say now, your honor, do I look a ammychewer?

“‘So you are going to defend that defaulter who got away with $100.000?”" ““‘Yep." “Bad case isn’t it?”’ ““Awful! He didn’t save enough out of it to pay a respectablc fee.”’

“An’ me Cousin Delia’s lost her place. The misthress discharged her for loightin’ the fire with kerosens.”’ ““Faith! She was luky to lose nothing’ but her place.”’—

First Summer Hotel Boarder—I couldn’t sleep last night for the cold. How did you you manage? Second Summer Hotel Boarder—Fine. We put the railroad ticket, the hotel folder and the proprietor’s bill on the bed.

Father—I want to tell you this, my son; the secret of success is hard work. Son—If it’s a secret, dad, you shouldn’t have told it. Fortunately, I’m too much of a gentleman to take advantage of information gained in that way.

“‘Can you tell me,’’ said the court address- ing Enrico Ufuzzi, under examination as to his qualifications for citizenship, ‘‘the difference between the powers and prerogatives of the king of England and those of the President of the United States?’”’ ““Yezzir,”’ spoke up Ufuzzi promptly. “‘King, he got a steady job.”’

The citzen came puffing up. Why didn’t you stop that man when I yelled ‘stop thief?’ "’ he demanded. The other citizen yawned. ““I never interfeie in a political quarrel,”’ quoth he.

The minister was out making calls one after- noon and on ringing the bell at the home of one of his parishioners, little five year-old George opened the door. “Is your mother home, sonny?” the minister asked. George looked at him a while and not recoggnizing him, asked: “Are you the man that brought the beer yesterday?’’

She nestled her head on his manly breast. “Oh, George, '’ she whispered, ‘‘how loud your heart beats. And every beat is for your own Angelioia, isn’t it?”’ He looked uncomfortable. ‘‘Well, the fact - is’”” he said, ‘‘the engagement ring cost so much that I’m er-obliged to carry one of those dollar watches for the present. That’s what you hear?”’