• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 8 2 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

You can never tell. Just because a man turns red when you call him a lobster, it doesn't prove anything.

Timid Traveller—‘‘Are you armed, captain?’’ Captain of Belligerent Ship—*‘Yes, five American citizens.’’

— “‘Goodness gracious me! What on earth are you doing, children—using up all the fine stationery?”’ ‘“Playing Count Bernsstorff and Secretary Lansing.”’

“First Lady—‘‘That’s one of them Australian soldiers.”’ Second Lady—‘‘How do you know?’’ First Lady—"‘Why can’t you see the kangaroo feathers in his hat?’’

First Pickpocket—If you knowed he only had a nickel, it was hardly worth while pinch- ing it. Second Pickpocket—Oh! I tuk it on principle.

““What is an amateur?’’ Is stillone of the raging queries of the hour. But, in spite of all the recent discussion, we haven’t changed the answer we evolved four years ago, viz., '‘Any one who can get away with it.”’

George, the four-year old grandson of an exteremely pious and devout grandfather, came rushing into the house wildly excited. “Grandpa!’’ he called, Mr. Barton’s cow is dead. God called her home.”

First Prisoner—De unions object to us doing any kind of work dat competes wit “honest labor.”’ Second Prisoner— May be dey’n be willin to let us spend our time making buglars tools.

“‘I want a pair of earings, cheap but purty. They be for a present.’’ ‘“Yes sir,”” said the jeweler. ‘‘You want something rather quiet, I suppose?’’ “Well, don’t ’ee go for to making them too quiet, now,’’ replied the farmer.““My girl is deaf in one ear.”’

First Reporter—“Senator Bullyun must nave been a bright baby.”’ ' Second Reporter—"“Why do you think so?”’ First Reporter—He told me in a interview that he began life as a school-teacher.’’

"Pa, inquired a seven-year-old seeker after the truth, “is it true that school-teachers get paid?”’ Certainly it is, replied the father. “Well, then, said the youth indignantly, “that ain’t right. Why should the teachers get paid when us kids do all the work?’’