• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 8 30 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

"Middleton always was a ‘bad egg,” but nobody seemed to notice it while he was rich.’’ “Yes, he was all right until he beca me ‘broke’!”

Diner— ‘‘See here, where are those oysters I ordered on the half-shell?” Waiter—Don’t get impatient, sah. We’re dreffle short on shells; but you’re next, sah.’’

Wife, sweetly: ‘‘Do you know you’re growing quite handsome, John?’’ Husband: Yes; its a way I have when gets anywhere near your birthday!”

Tramp, overtaking young Simpkins on a lonely road: "I say, young sir! Can yer ‘elp a poor feller wot’s ‘ard up? All I ‘as in the wurld is this stick an’ a loaded revolver!”

Sunday School Teacher—Children, do you know the house that is open to all–the poor, the rich, the sad, the happy; to man and to woman, to young, and to old—-do you know the house I mean? Small Boy—Yes, Miss—the station house.

“That crazy nut over there got so violent yesterday that the warden had to put him in a strightjacket, ‘‘said the guard at the insane asylum. “Umph,’’ said the facetious visitor, ‘‘that’s what I call it putting in a nutshell.

“I think I hear an alarm of fire!’’ said a bored husband, watching a very dull play. “I must go and see where it is.” wife, whose hearing was less acute, made way for him in silence! ‘It wasn’t fire after all,” he said on his return. ‘‘Nor water either!”’ said his wife caustically.

Caller: “I noticed your advertisement in the paper this morning for a man to retail imported canaries.” Proprietor of a bird shop: ‘‘Yes; have you had any experience in that line?” Caller: ‘‘Oh, no; I merely felt curious to know how the canaries lost their tails!”’

Wife, pleadingly: I'm afraid, Oliver you do not love me any more—as least not so much as you used to.” Husband; Why?” Wife: ‘“Because you always let me get up to light the fire now." Husband: ‘‘Nonsense, my dear! Your getting up to light the fire makes me love you all the more!”

Mr. Grimes (with great indignation) I’ve finished with that fellow Skinner, absolutely finished with him. He’s a bad one. He has a lying tongue in his head. Mrs. Grimes (sympathetically) —Dear me! And only yesterday his wife told me that he had false teeth.