• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 9 6 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

Sufferer— “This insomnia’s getting worse. Can’t even sleep when it’s time to get up.”

Hazel— “Didn’t Marian marry the druggist?" May—‘‘No. She followed his own advice and got some one just as good.”’

“How masculine Sadie has become in the last few years!” “Yes. You know she has turned feminist. "’

Visitor— “Well, Robert, how do you like your new little sister?’’ Robert— "Oh, she’s all right, I guess; but there are lots of things we needed worse.”

Sympathetic old lady:—‘‘Have you lost yourself, little boy?” Little boy:— ‘“No-boo-boo-but I found a street I don’t know!”

“I ought to go and see a doctor, but I’'m afraid he’ll order me to give up smoking.” “Don’t let that worry you. I’ll introduce you to a doctor that has a lot of stock in the Tobacco Trust.”

“In time of trial,” said the lecturer, “what brings us the greatest comfort?” “An acquittal,” responded a low person who should never have been allowed to enter the hall.

Lady (to nephew on leave from the front). “Good-by, my dear boy. Try and find time to send me a post-card to let me know you are safely back in the trenches.’’

“Don’t cry, Willie! Grandpa will play Indian with you.” “B-but you won’t do any good. Y-you’er scalped already.”’ S

Prisoner, you are accused of stealing a watch. Is this your first offense?” “Yes, your Honor.” "But it seems to me I remember sentencing you not more than a year ago.” "Yes, your Honor, but it wasn’t a watch that time. It was a diamond pin.”

“Oh, by the way, dear,” said the merchant, as he was preparing to leave the house in the morning, ‘‘if I find I can’t be home for dinner I will send a note by messenger.” “Don’t trouble,” said his wife, sweetly; "I have already found it on the blotting-pad.”

It takes pluck and energy to become an American millionaire.” “Quite so, but you have left out one of the most important requirements.” “And what is that?” “Expert legal advice.”