• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 9 16 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

Novelist—“How are my novels going?” Bookseller’’— “I can’t imagine, sir, unless it’s shoplifters.”

“I thought the old man left all of his money to charity.” “Oh, no—to charitable institutions.’’

Sympathetic old lady: ‘‘Have you lost yourself, little boy?’’ Little boy: "No—boo —hoo—but I’ve found a street I don’t know.”

“There is only one way to make aviation safe.” “What is it?” “Get some good lawyer to prove that the law of gravity is unconstitutional.’’

Visitor: “To what do you attribute your remarkable health?” Octogenarian: “Well, I reckon I got a good start on most people by being born before germs was discovered, thereby having less to worry about.”

“Why, Mr. Gloom, what is the matter? You seem in pain or— ’“Pain?’’ snarled the pessimist. ‘‘Con- found you! This is the way I smile!”

Milly— “Ninety-nine women in a hundred are naturally generous.’’ Billy— ‘“Yes, where one woman will keep a secret ninety-nine will give it away.”

‘“Can you alter that gown to fit me, do you think?’’ “Certainly not, mademoiselle. That isn’t done any more. You must be altered to fit the gown.”

He had just been accepted. “Does your father know I write poetry?”’ he asked anxiously. “Not yet, dear,” she replied. "I’ve told him all about your drinking and your gambling debts, but I couldn’t tell him everything at once.’’

“My eyesight is so poor I can’t see any distance at all,” said an Englishman who sought to be exempted from military service.” “Oh, that won’t matter at all,”’ the medical examiner replied. ‘‘You’ll get a fine view. We’ll put you in a trench right in the front line.’’

“Ex-Congressman Flubdub wants a little write-up,” remarked the magazine publisher. ‘“What shall we say about him?”’ “What did he ever do?” “Nothing.’’ “Say he upheld the traditions of Congress.”