• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 9 20 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

“What are oxen?’’ asked the teacher. The little foreigns looked blank. ‘‘Does any one know what a cow is?’’ she asked, hopefully A dingy hand waved wildly at the back of the room. “I know! I know, teacher! A cow; she lays milk!”

“You look sad, old man.” “Um." “I know it’s depressing to have your wife go away.” ‘‘She ain’t going.”

He—“Hullo, Phyl! I didn’t know you were going to bathe?’’ She— “I’m not.” He— “Then why the bathing costume?’’ She— "It isn’t, silly; its my new frock!”

“Groggs can’t take any kind of a holiday without getting drunk. I met him this afternoon and he was half-shot.” “It is a wonder he wasn’t paralyzed.’’ ‘‘But remember this is only a half holiday.”

Teacher—“Tommy, can you spell fur?” Thomas— ‘‘Yes, sir; f-u-r.” Teacher— “That’s right. Now can you tell me what fur is?” Thomas— ‘‘Yes, sir. Fur is an awful long way.’’

“The word ‘reviver’ spells the same back- ward or forward.” It was the frivolous man who spoke. ‘‘Can you think of another?’’ The serious man scowled up from his news- paper. ‘‘Tut-tut!” hecriad contemptuously.

"Asphodelia Twobble went down into the tenement district yesterday to brighten the lives of poor slum dwellers.” “Highly commendable. What did she do for them?” ‘‘She told them about the good times she’s been having at Atlantic City.”

Old Practitioner—“Well, how did you succeed with your first diagnosis? Did you profit by my advice?’’ The Young Doctor—"I think I did, sir. I told the patient that he was suffering from a combination of liver, stomach, heart, lung and brain trouble.’’ Old Practitioner—"Good! No chances of mistake there!”

‘‘Please, kind lady,’’ said the wayfarer, ‘‘I ain’t had a bite to eat in 24 hours.” “You are just the man I'm looking for,” replied the lady of the house. ‘‘My husband gathered a mess of mushrooms this morning and I want to make sure they are not toadstools. Just wait a moment and I’ll bring a dish of them.”