• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 10 4 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

Saphedde— ‘‘That girl can’t take a joke.” Flubdud— “Can’t? Why, I thought she was engaged to you.’’

“What’s on the carpet in military affairs just now?’’ "I hear all the militia in camp are to be sent to the border.’’

Artist (pointing to his very successful picture— “A donkey’’) —What do you really think of it, anyhow?’’ Enthusiastic Lady— “Lovely! And you have put so much of yourself into it, too!"

“And pray, madam.’’ asked the pension examiner, “why do you think yourself entitled to a pension?’’ “My husband and I fought all through the war,’’ was the reply.

“When that bad boy threw stones at you, why didn’t you come and tell me instead of throwing back at him?’’ said the good boy’s pious mother.” “Tell you!’’ said the good little boy. ‘‘Why, you couldn’t hit a barn door.”

“Can you tell me where I can buy a good, healty rattlesnake?’’ “What on earth do you want of a rattle- snake?’’ “My cousin Bill in Florida just sent me an alligator and I want to reciprocate.”

Lady Visitor— ‘‘How long are you in for, my poor man?’’ Prisoner— ‘‘Dunno, ma’m.” Lady Visitor— ‘‘How can that be? You must have been sentenced to a definite period.’’ Prisoner— "No, ma’m. Mine was a life sentence.’’

The trial of a notorious old moonshiner was over, and he bad been found guilty. The Judge lectured him severely on his long record and then sentenced him to thirty-six years imprisonment, saying that the court had no feeling of anger toward him, only pity. The prisoner listened stolidly, and then he said: “Well, I sure am mighty glad that he wasn’t mad at me.’’

A lady stopping at a hotel on the Pacific coast rang the bell the first morning of her arrival and was very much surprised whan a Japanese boy opened the door and came in. "I pushed the button three times for a maid,’’ she said sternly, as she dived under the bed covers. “Yes,”’ the little fellow replied, ‘‘me she.’’