• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 10 11 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

Hocus—“Does your wife ever have any spasms of economy?’’ Pokus— “Well, she’s always talking about how much carfare we could save if we only had an automobile.’’

“You asked her father when he was in a pleasant frame of mind, eh?” “Yes, it cost me $5 to get his mind in that state, but after it was accomplished he was willing to give me the whole family.”

“There goes another married man,’’ said the girl at the candy counter.” “How do you know?’’ asked the cashier. “He used to buy a three-pound box of candy twice a week, and now he buys half a pound once a month.”

Junior Partner—“I see you have engaged a new man. Is he a good salesman?’’ Senior Partner— ‘‘Good salesman! My hat! I had to send for the police to prevent him from talking me into taking him into partnership.”

The candidate for enlistment was being questioned as to his qualifications. “What is your religion?’’ asked the recruiting sergeant. The young man smiled pleasantly and replied: “I'm not particular. What kind are you short of?”

The backyard of a house in a Massachusetts town is overlooked by the windows of an orphan asylum. In this backyard stood a barrel of apples which were disappearing at a rapid rate. The woman of the house, a widow and a knowing mother, summoned her eight-year-old son to make inquiry touching the curious disappearance of the fruit. “Yes, Mother; I've eaten the apples,” he confessed, ‘‘but I really had to do it.” “Had to do it?” “Yes, Mother, the orphans wanted so many cores.’’

Little Harry disliked being kissed. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then, to make matters worse, on going to the picture palace in the evening, instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures, there was nothing but a lot more hugging and kissing. He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe of women. After he had been tucked into bed, mother came in to kiss him good-night. He refused. Mother begged and begged till in disgust he turned to his father, who was standing at the doorway looking on, and said, “Daddy, for heaven’s sake give this woman a kiss!”