• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 10 18 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

Church—“Your face looks as if it had been cut in several places.” Gotham— “No, only in one place; my barber’s.”

Policeman— ‘‘How can you be tired when you are doing nothing?’’ Beggar— “I guess it’s because there’s so much to do.’’

“Johnnie,’’ said the minister to a bright little boy of six, ‘“do you know the ten commandments?”’ “Not very well,” replied the youngster. “I just know ’em by sight.”

Pa—"I think we’ll make a surgeon of little Bobbie.” Ma—“Why?” Pa—"He’s been cutting the the appendixes clean out of six of my books.’’

Nitts—“That guy would certainly good soldier.” Ignitz—“Howssat?’’ Nitts—‘‘Oh, you can treat him, but he wo’n’t retreat—Awgwan.”

Friend— “What is the strangest case that you ever had in life insurance?’’ Agent—‘‘Miss Oldbud. She took out a twenty-year endowment policy when she was nineteen years of age, and it matures this year, when she is twenty-eight.”

“A friend of mine, who is a magistrate, found his practise came in handy when he found a valuable book with a loose leaf.’’ “What did he do?” ‘‘He had it bound over to keep the piece.’’

“This war can’t last much longer.” "How do you figure that out?” "At the present rate it wo’n't be long before all the Allied troops will be prisoners of war in Germany, and all the Germans will be prisoners in the hands of the Allies. When that happens they’ll have to stop.’’

“Young man,’’ said the country counselor of a Southern paper, ‘‘you have done me irreparable harm.” “What have I done?’’ asked the bewildered reporter. “I got in largely on a temperance platform, as you may recollect.’’ “Yes, sir.” ‘‘And you speak of me in this morning’s paper as ‘drinking my coffee with gusto.” It will take more than a lifetime to get it out of the heads of my constituents that gusto isn’t some kind of alcoholic beverage.’’