• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 10 25 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

“Now they say they can weigh the con- science.” “By the ounce?’’ “I imagine by the scruple.”

The Old Man— ‘‘Did you ever work in your life?” The Beggar— “Once.’’ The Old Man—“When was that?” The Beggar— “When I was in jail.”

Patient— ‘‘But, Doctor, you are not asking $5.00 for merely taking a cinder out of my eye?’’ Specialist—‘‘Er—no. My charge is for removing a foreign substance from the cornea.’’

Lecturer — “The idea of eternity, my friends, is something too vast for the human mind to conceive.’’ Voice From Audience—*‘Did you ever pay for a $700 piano on the instalment plan?’’

“Is your husband fond of golf?’’ ‘‘Fond of it? He had the nerve to tell me the other night that I could consider myself lucky that he had married me before he was introduced to the game.”

“When I was a boy of your age I used to have to wear my father’s trousers cut down to fit me.” “I know, Pa, and if you were the boy that I think you were I'll bet you vowed many a time that if you ever had a son he’d never be made to wear such clothes.”

“l wonder why they call them stag parties?’’ remarked the man who had just received an invitation to attend one. "It’s probably an allusion to that well-known quotation, 'The stag at eve has drunk his fill,'” replied his wife meaningly.

A little girl who had been instructed not to talk in church because it was very rude was very thoughtful after the service, and when questioned, she said in a horrified voice: “Oh, Mamma, I think it was just awful for our minister to show off so rudely in church—he talked all the time.”

They had just been introduced to each other at the reception given by Mrs. Goldstones. Presently the younger girl, glancing at a mar who had recently entered, remarked: “I can’t think what’s the matter with that tall, dark man over there. Just before you came he was staring hard at me, and looked as though he wanted to be introduced. Now he’s turned his back on me. I wonder why?” ‘‘Perhaps,” said the other, “it’s because he saw me come in. I’m his wife!”