• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 11 1 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

“Half the office force are in love with my pretty stenographer.” ‘‘Does it interfere with their work?’’ "Oh, no. They’re all speeding up, trying to win promotion.”

Parson— “Do you, Liza, take Rastus for bettah or for wuss?” Bride—“Well, if Ah got to tell the truth, pahson, Ah’m takin’ him ’cause he’s de fust man what ever axed me.’’

“Let’s play house,” suggested five-year-old Alice to her twin brother, Ned. ‘‘All right,”’ he agreed, ‘‘you get the broom and be the mother, and I'll get the newspaper and be the father.’’

He— “One thing is sure. I don’t intend to be criticised and censured because I have failed to realize your expectations.” She— “You misunderstood me completely. All that I have done is to express my conviction that you have more than justified my fears.’’

Mother—‘‘No, Betty darling, I can’t button your boots for you. Now you have a little sister you must learn to do things for yourself.” Betty—‘‘Shall I always have to do fings for myself?” Mother— “Yes, darling.” Betty—“Then I don’t fink I shall like life.”

Landlady— “That new boarder is either a married man or a widower.” Pretty Daughter— “Why, Ma, he says he is a bachelor.” Landlady— “Well, I don’t believe it. When he opens his pocketbook to pay his board he always turns his back to me.”

The sympathetic prison visitor went from cell to cell interviewing the inmates. To one penitent-looking individual she put the usual question: ‘‘What brought you here?’’ ‘‘Borrowing money, lady,” was the reply. “But, good gracious!’”’ she exclaimed, ‘‘they don’t put people in prison for borrowing money.’’ ‘‘Not ordinarily,’’ said the man, ‘‘but I had to knock a man down three or four times before he would lend it to me.”

Senator Henry F. Ashurst, of Arizona, relates that an Eastern tourist was traveling the Southwest and stopped in a particularly dry section of Arizona. “This place is the limit,” he remarked, ad- dressing a native. "I don’t think there is another locality on the face of the earth that is quite so dry. Doesn’t it ever rain in this section?’’ “Rain!” exclaimed the native. ‘‘Say, stranger, we’'ve got bullfrogs around here over eight years old that hain’t learned to swim yet.”