• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 11 15 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

In view of the fact that the Russians have taken so many towns and provinces, it certainly seems strange that the Mexicans have been unable to capture a lawless vilayet.

First Tommy—"The story in the opera is that she's going to be burnt alive." Second Ditto—"Going to be? It sounds as if they'd started on her already!"

Ned—"Scribner's last book shows he doesn't think much of kings and queens." Ted—"Just the same he has an eye out for the royalties all the same."

Samuel—"Do you think your father would object to my marrying you?" Sallie—"I couldn't say, Sammie. If he's anything like me, he would."

"What made Jaggs so blue the other day?" "He went to his private cupboard the other day and found his spirits were low."

Sunday-School Teacher.—"And the father of the prodigal son fell on his neck and wept. Now, why did he weep?" Tommie Tuffnut.—"Huh! I guess you'd weep too, if you fell on your neck."

Niece—"I do think you are clever, Aunt, to be able to argue with the professor about sociology." Aunt—"I've only been concealing my ignorance, dear." Professor Bilks (gallantly) — "Oh, no, Miss Knowles. Quite the contrary, I assure you."

"I'm a true friend of labor," shouted the soap-box orator. "By gosh, Bill," came a voice from the crowd, "that's the first time I ever knowed you two was acquainted."

"Mister, I'm a stranger in town. I'm lost and can't find my way to the depot." "Better settle right here, friend," advised the booster. "You couldn't locate in a better place."

American Tourist—"So your brother went to America?" Peasant—"Yes; an' he was makin' a mint of money. If he'd lived he'd be a gintleman this day!"

Mrs. Styles—"This paper says that in the days of old Rome a woman's character was known by her dress. The toga was worn by the men, but the stola was the raiment for the women." Mr. Styles—And I suppose it was the custom for the wife to have half a dozen stolas to the old man's one toga."