• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 11 22 1916
• Tags:
• joke

BORROWED MIRTH

Effie— “When you and Daddy was engaged did you engage him or did he engage you?”

“Say,’’ said the man as he entered the clothing stere. “I bought this suit here less than two weeks ago, and it is rusty-looking already.” “Well,” replied the clothing dealer, "I guaranteed it to wear like iron; didn’t it?”

“There was a chap in here looking for you, Smith." “Was he tall or short?’’ “Both" “What do you mean?’’ “He was a tall man, and he said he wanted to borrow a dollar.’’

‘‘Judging from the way old Mr. Gadson tangoes, he doesn’t feel the weight of his years much.’’ “No, and apparently he doesn’t feel the weight of his sins, either.”

“Is it absolutely necessary that I speak to your father?’’ asked the wooer after the girl of his heart had promised to be his. “Why, of course. He is the head of the family, you know.” "It isn’t the head of the family I’m afraid of. It’s the foot.”

Mother (sternly to young married daughter) — ‘‘Really, my dear, I am astonished at your allowing Billy to attend that farewell supper to Mr. Soakum. I understand it was a most disgraceful affair.” Daughter (indignantly)—“Why, Mother, how can you? I am quite sure it must have been very sad. Billy distinctly told me the men filled right up, and even the main speaker of the evening was too full for utterance!”

“Have you anything to say in your defense before sentence is pronounced against you?’’ asked the Judge. “Only one thing,’’ said the convicted burglar. “The only thing I have objected to in this trial was being identified by a man that kept his head under the bedclothes the whole time I was in the room. That is not right at all."

Traveler—“I say, what are you people so proud about? Last time I came threugh here everybody was very friendly, and now I can hardly get a person to speak.” Uncle Eben —“You’ll pardon us but it’s our town pride. You see, Joe Simmons picked up a guide-book that fell out of a motor-car last week and we found that the old tannery swamp is a mountain tarn, Simmons’ stone quarry a precipice, Bill Moodler’s beer-house a way-side inn, and the whole country is chock full of historical antidotes and delusions."