• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 1 5 1916
• Tags:
• joke

IN LIGHTER VEIN "Do you know," said the successful merchant pompously, "that I began life as a ‘barefoot boy'?""Well, " said his clerk, "I wasn't born with shoes on either.""Daughter," said the father, "your young man, Rawlings, stays until a very late hour. Has not your mother said something — to you about this habit of his?" "Yes, Father," replied the daughter sweetly, "Mother says men haven't altered a bit." "Oh, Mr. Smith," cried the young lady, as she greeted her caller, "so you have, been making friends with Fido! And do you think, he likes you?" "Well," said Mr. Smith grimly, "I don't believe he's quite decided yet—-he's, only had one bite of me, and he seems to want another." The news of the young woman's engagement had just been made public. She was in the little store one day when the clerk laughing said: "Well, Miss Gertrude, I see it's coming off soon."The young woman caught nervously at her clothing "My goodness!" she said. "What?" Pat was in the museum looking at a copy of the "Winged Victory.""And phat may yez call thot?" he asked an attendant. "That is a statue of Victory, sir," was the answer. Pat surveyed the headless and armless statue with renewed interest. "Victhry, is it??? he said. "Thin, begorry, Oi'd loike to see the other fellow." Little Rastus was becoming very objectionable in school, because his wool was growing longer and longer, far beyond the cutting stage. The teacher tried hinting to no purpose, and then told him outright to go have his hair cut, giving him a quarter for the purpose. Rastus broke out crying and said: "No, Ma'am, I dassn't hab it cut. My mammy she wants a new switch and she's done a-growin it on me."The impractical man and his wife were moving from one flat to another and were discussing ways of saving moving expenses. "We can carry lots of things ourselves, said the wife. "For example, I will wear my winter coat over and then leave it and come back for my spring coat, which I will wear over on the next trip." This idea charmed the impractical man. "Why, I can do the same thing!" he cried. "I can wear one suit of clothes over and leave it and come back for another."