• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 1 12 1916
• Tags:
• joke

IN LIGHTER VEIN "When you leave on the train," said the young man yearningly, "I will throw you a kiss." "But," rejoined the girl, "don't you know that it isn't polite to throw things at people? You should always give them." ***"You say you haven't anything to be thankful for?" said the clergyman to one of his parishioners. "Why look at your neighbor Hayes; he has just lost his wife by influenza." "Well," said the parishioner, "that don't do me any good; I ain't Hayes." ***Ferdie had just proposed to Millie. "No, Ferdie," she said, "I cannot marry you. The man who gets me must be a grand man, upright and square." "My dear girl,' said Ferdie, "you don't want a man. You want a piano." ***"Pa," said Tommy, asking his fifty-first question that evening, "is a vessel a boat?" "Well, yes," said Pa, trying to read his paper; "you can call a vessel a boat, certainly." "Well, what kind of a boat is a blood vessel?" "A lifeboat, of course. Now run off to bed." ***"Why, Willie," said the Sunday-school teacher in a pained voice, "have you been fighting again? Didn't you learn in last Sunday's lesson that when you are struck on one cheek you ought to turn the other one to the striker?" "Yes'm agreed Willie; "but he hit me on the nose, and I've only got one." ***At the wedding breakfast the bridegroom, an exceedingly bashful young man, was called upon to speak, in spite of the fact that he had pleaded to be excused. Blushing to the roots of his hair he rose, intending to say that he was no speechmaker, but, unfortunately placing his hand on the bride's shoulder, he stammered these opening (and closing) words: "This—er—this thing has been thrust upon me." ***A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suit against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The city appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won. After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed him one dollar."What's this?" asked the man. "That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal and other expenses," replied the counsel. The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned the other side, Then he looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter with this dollar? Is it a counterfeit?"