• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-7413
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume 5
• Page Number:
• Date: 1 19 1916
• Tags:
• joke

IN LIGHTER VEIN Jones:—"Did you have a fine auto trip?" Speedwell :— "I must say it was mostly fine."*It's all right to take things into consideration, provided they don't belong to some one else. * Pat— "Yis, sorr, wur-rk is scarce, but Oi got a job last Sunday that brought me foive dollars." Mr. Goodman— "What! you broke the Sabbath?" Pat (apologetically)— "Well, sorr, twas wan av us had t' be broke." *"Father," said little Rollo, "what is appendicitis?" "Appendicitis, my son," answered the deep thinking father, "is something that enables a doctor to open up a man's anatomy and remove his entire bank account." * "Why, dear," said a mother upon. noticing her little girl standing before a mirror and making the most hideous faces, what are you doing?" "I'm getting ready, mother, to go over to tell Nellie Smith what I think of her."*"My dear girl," said a father to his daughter, "what do you suffragists want anyhow?" "Why, Dad, we want to sweep the country," replied the daughter. "Do you?" said the father. "Why, now, suppose you take a broom and start with this ROOM" *For many days a man lay dangerously ill with a malady that puzzled the distinguished specialist who called to attend him. One afternoon the eminent physician appeared with eyes aglow. "I certainly congratulate you," he said. The patient smiled hopefully "You mean I will surely recover?" he asked. "Oh, no! there is no hope of that; but if the autopsy proves that you are suffering from an entirely new disease, as I believe it will, we will name the malady after you." *Tommy's father had been giving him lessons in politeness, but hardly dared hope that the seeds of his teaching had taken root. One day, hearing noise coming from the nursery, he investigated, and found Tommy pounding his little brother. "I'm surprised, Tommy," said his father sternly, "that you should hurt your little brother. Don't you know that it is very cowardly to strike one who is smaller than yourself?""Yes," replied the culprit meekly, "but when you spanked me yesterday. I was too polite to mention it."