• Author: B-7387
• Editor:
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume V
• Page Number:
• Date: 4 17 1918
• Tags:
• poetry
• inside joke
• ESP news
• gossip
• joke

LET’S ALL BE GLAD

Laff every time U pheel tickled, and laff once in A while enyhow.—Josh Billings.

If practice makes perfect, we know a lot of ball-players here who will soon be eligible for Ty Cobb’s job.

Foolish Question No. 1—Why does the man who makes the loudest roar about taking his “medicine,” always come back for a second "jolt??"

The scarcity of wheat-flour and sugar promises to have at least one good result: it will force a reduction in the size and quantity of the pills.

If Food Saving is to win the war, then it’s already won so far as we’re concerned; for we’ve saved enough food in the last few weeks, by not eating war bread, to provision Belgium.

The oyster season will soon be over, but we should worry; we quit eating the succulent bivalve some two seasons ago, and expect to be just as abstemious for some time in the future.

Lady—(to bank clerk) ‘I wish to get a Liberty Bond for my husband.” Clerk—“What size, please?” Lady—‘‘Why, I don’t believe I know, exactly, but he wears a fifteen shirt.”

There is a rumor, as yet unconfirmed, that “Curly’’ is planning the erection of a monument to his dead hopes in back of the 11th Block, and that the concrete ‘‘doo-funny’’ is the base thereof. But we think this to be a base (!) calumny.

Query—If a man is playing pinochle, and is presented with a hand totaling 150 trumps, and 100 aces, should he, or should he not, bid 35? And how should he be sure of making it. A really serviceable reply to these queries is anxiously awaited on the Center.

‘‘Stone walls do not a prison make, Nor iron bars a cage.’’ And every time we read these lines, We writhe with noble rage; For Lovelace, when he wrote them, Made the mistake of his age.

The old story of the returning miner who ordered twenty dollars worth of ham and eggs for his first meal in civilization, is likely to be outdone should ‘“Pete’’ win that pardon. We have a clear vision of what’s going to happen to the restaurant he favors with his first patronage; it’s going to suspend publication, while the proprietor figures out his net loss on a fifty-cent meal.