• Author: Unknown
• Editor:
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume V
• Page Number:
• Date: 5 15 1918
• Tags:
• joke
• gossip

LET’S ALL BE GLAD

Give us this day our daily war-bread.

If you can’t lick a Hun, you can at least lick a Thrift Stamp!

Our idea of a swell dresser is the guy who puts on a neck-tie to go after the diet.

We tolerate a good many people, we like a few, but we’ve ceased to trust even our own self.

If Curly ever uses a ‘‘scare-crow’’ again to protect his ‘‘sunken gardens,’’ he saysit will be a steel-trap.

Who is it photografs your map, And asks you if you’re Jew, or Jap, And if you’re good at shooting crap? Tom Collins!

Who is it takes you by the thumb, And inks your paws, and says ‘‘By gum; Your finger-prints show you’re a bum?” Tom Collins!

May we suggest to Mr. Bailey that he try crossing a watermelon, with a lemon, and a sweet-potato; and so get that lemonade-plant which is so sorely needed in our midst.

Blackie —‘‘Lady, can’t you give me something? I haven’t had a mouthful for two days. Miss Rosebud— “Why certainly, you poor creature. Take this chewing gum. It will last a week.

Prison foreman of gang unloading a box car, to crew inside: “How many of yese in that car?” Voice inside: ‘‘Foive.” Foreman: ‘‘Half of yese come out!”’

A New York policeman swore to the following affidavit: ‘‘I hereby solemnly swear that the prisoner set upon me, calling me an ass, a precious dolt, a scare-crow, a raga-muffin and an idiot, all of which I certify to be true.’’

There is no law severe enough to punish the Canton burglars who entered a home, stole some ham and bacon, and left the family with nothing but money in the house. Speaking personally, we would never be guilty of such a dastardly act.

Willie— “What are you doing with all those charts and time tables?’’ Gillie—‘‘Those charts are lists of the various meatless, wheatless, and butterless days in the various States. I am trying to figure out a trip whereby I can get a ham sandwich once a month.”