• Author: Unknown
• Editor:
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume V
• Page Number:
• Date: 7 10 1918
• Tags:
• joke
• inside joke
• gossip

LET’S ALL BE GLAD

It pays to be honest, but apparently not nearly enough to suit some of us.

We may live to be 97 years old, but whats the use if we can’t tell our grand-children how we helped lick the Kaiser?

Our Stenog’ says that his favorite disease is neurasthenia, and when we lookt up the remedy for it, we found it to be complete rest.

“Don’t you feel home-sick at times, Albert?’’ asked wifey. “Sure, but I look at your photograph, and then I don’t feel home-sick any more.’’

We saw a group picture of a lot of Sammees recently, and the best looking one of the bunch was an ex-member of ‘‘ours,” and we feel sure he didn’t detract from the moral of that bunch either.

“Aren’t you the same man I gave a mince-pie to?’’ asked the housewife sharply. ‘‘No, ma’m, I’m not; and what’s more, the doctor says I never will be!” answered Weary Willie.

“Is you gwine to let dat mewel do as he pleases?’’ asked Uncle Ephraim’s wife. “Where’s your will power?” “My will-power’s all right’’ answered Uncle Ephraim, ‘‘but you jus’ ought to come out heah an’ measure dish yere mewel’s won’t power!”

Limburger cheeee stationed in the four corners of the cell will drive away ants. Yes, there’s not a doubt about it. It would drive a dog out of a garden; drive a spike in a brick, drive a hobo away from a free-lunch counter, and a mule thru a barb-wire fence; drive the 4th Block away from a chicken-dinner, and us to drink; and yet some people eat it!

Maj. Gen. ‘‘Curly”, to Aid-de-camp, ‘‘Supposing your company bivouaced in a valley; when a strng force of eremy infantry suddenly appears in your front; a like force in your rear a hostile battery unmasks on your left flank, and a force of the enemy’s cavalry appears on your right, while a squad- ron of hostile aeroplanes maneuver overhead ready to drop bombs. What would you do?” A. D. C. Jones (after some strenuous thinking)—‘‘I’d say, Company, attention! Stand at ease. Hats off for prayer!”