• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-8266
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume V
• Page Number:
• Date: 9 11 1918
• Tags:
• joke
• gossip
• inside joke
• proverb

HITS OR FOULS?

We rise to remark, defying contradiction, that a square man can’t be cornered.

And that to be steeped in crime must re- fer to stolen tea; and that he who purloins— we avoid the harsher word—a ham, may be said to be sandwiched between two evils; the fear of hunger, and the fear of discovery.

We have always found it to be a good plan when anyone asks our advice, to find out first what he has made up his mind to do, and proceed accordingly.

May we suggest to the Navy Department that it take over the Printers, now the local ball season nears it’s close, and set ’em to stealing submarine bases.

Visitor—to Front Office—‘‘How many people work in this office?” Bobby—‘‘Me.”’

Just supposin’ we all stopped criticising others, and turned our attention toourselves for the time, wouldn’t we be kept too busy to take on outside contracts?

Over on the Third recently we were petting the official cat, and Dave started in to tell us what a wonderful mouser he, she, or it was, and just as as he was speaking a couple of mice scurried past, and Tabby never blinked an eye. Of course, we started to give Dave the laugh, but he saved the situation by indignantly asserting ‘‘That’s all right. Them was Third Block mice. But just let a strange mouse show it’s nose over here, and see what happens!”

Did you ever stop to think that the only living thing that uses tobacco, other than man, is a large green worm, and the worm doesn’t know any better.

A chap sent for us the other day to ask our advice about some pills the Doctor had given him. It seems that it said on the box “Take one pill three times a day,” and the poor fellow had taken it literally, and was anxious to know what he could do to be sure of getting them back again for a second and third taking, we could only advise a string tied to them, and retire.

When we think of the trouble money can get you into, we sigh deeply; but when we think of the trouble it can get you out of, no mere sigh can do justice to our feelings.