• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-8266
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume V
• Page Number:
• Date: 10 2 1918
• Tags:
• joke
• proverb
• war

HITS OR FOULS

Have you a Bond? If not, now's your chance to get one.

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Inmate—"Is the Doctor in?"

Clerk— "No, he went out after lunch."

Inmate—"Will he be back after lunch?"

Clerk—"No, that's what he went out after."

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Too many people are like automobiles’ always running other people down.

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Seven years ago a bright-eyed calf ate the pocket out of a farmer’s vest which he had carelessly left hanging on the fence; said pocket containing a gold-watch. Last week the animal was killed for beef, and the watch was recovered. It had lodged in the animal’s lungs in such position that the re- spiration had kept it wound up, and it had only lost four minutes in the seven years.

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It’s a waste of time to tell your troubles to other people. If you would be really popular, let them tell their troubles to you.

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There are a lot of men in here who are seemingly only good to play base-ball, croquet, or checkers, but we’ll wager that whole Ambulance Fund, that they could change into munition, ship, or farm workers, or real fighting men, without batting an eye, or getting the least bit fussed.

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A scientist announces that there is enough phosphorus in the human body to make forty thousand matches. And not enough sand in some of us to strike one.

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Wash’ White, having killed a friend at a gin-party, was duly tried, convicted, and sentenced to imprisonment for life. As he was being escorted to the cell which would henceforth be his home, he met anold friend, who was also doing time. "Hello, Wash," hailed the friend, "how long have you got to do?" Wash’ waved a manacled hand airily, "Jus’ from now on." he said.

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You’ll never get weak eyes from looking on the sunny side of life.

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All of us deserve justice, some of us ask for it, and a very few of us get it—and may- be we don’t "holler."

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If tanks are going to win this war, why keep so many shut up in Institutions like this?