• Author: Unknown
• Editor: B-8266
• Newspaper: The Umpire volume V
• Page Number:
• Date: 10 23 1918
• Tags:
• joke
• inside joke

HITS OR FOULS

Get the licker habit. W. S. Stamps are not intoxicating.

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Did you ever see an ‘‘idle’’ rumor in here? You did not!

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The Hon. Bob has the local food profiteers about ready to yell for an armistice.

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"Do you dissipate?" sternly asked the Doctor, examining a new arrival.

New arrival looks frightened, and then pipes up, "Well, I sometime chew a little gum."

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We understand that an Inmate got the Dentist’s ‘‘goat’’ the other day by asking to have the music-box play ‘The Yanks are coming’’ as he ascended the chair.

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Asst. Editor—"Here’s a poem from a man serving a five-year termin the Penitentiary."

Managing. Editor—"Well, print it with a foot-note explaining the circumstances. It may be a warning to others."

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In this day of substitutes we can’t under- stand why it is that noracceptable substitute has yet been discovered for soup.

Doug’— "Your hair is very thin on top."

J. Ross— "I’m glad of that. I hate fat hair."

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We overheard a worried fellow citizen say the other day, "The Lord knows what I'm going to do when I get out of here" and we understand at once why he lookt worried.

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"What is the charge?" asked the Magistrate.

"Nothihg at all" speaks up Abe, "this is on us."

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The pits of peaches, prunes, apricots, etc, are badly needed for use in the making of gas-masks, and a general call has gone forth to save the same. We, and we think too, our fellows, will gladly promise to save the pits of any, and all of the above named which may be sent, or slipt us.

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"William," snap the dear lady viciously, "didn’t I hear the clock strike two as you came in?"

"You did, m’ dear,’’ answered William," it started to strike ten, but I stopt it to keep it from waking you up."